Monday, June 7, 2010


I feel like I have poison in my blood. At the end of such a long day with such a crappy ending, I have this intense dislike of my daughter's chemical imbalance in her brain and subsequent feeling that I intensely dislike her. Which of course, I don't. But it's hard to tease apart the complex layers of her disabilities, her moods, her perseverations, her aggression, her issues... and see the little girl that is trapped inside of all that. At the end of such a day, I am filled with disgust for myself, for losing patience, for hating this, for losing sight of that little girl that needs me so.

The day ended with me not talking to Anna, with me putting her to bed without her bath or bedtime routine, because I just couldn't take anymore. Her obsession with getting yet another babydoll (she has 21, yes that's right, 21 dolls) is so out of control that we saw her neurologist last Wednesday about it (changing from Risperdal to Abilify in April helped the aggression and impulse control but the perseverations are much worse). My out-of-town relatives got to witness it the weekend before last for Jenny's graduation and it hasn't eased at all since then. The neuro is changing her from Lexapro (which is just for anxiety) to Luvox (which is for anxiety and OCD) but it takes 2 weeks to transition the meds and another 2 weeks to see improvement. I called him today and left a message with the nurse that Anna is getting much, much worse since beginning the switch and if this is what we should expect. I hope to hear from him tomorrow. I also got an appointment, finally, with the child psychiatrist for June 21st. It can't get here soon enough.

I had the idea today that we could make a doll instead of buying one so I took her (and Jenny and Dominic) to Hobby Lobby late this afternoon with the intention of buying materials to make something simple. I was so overwhelmed with the sheer choices and the kids' behavior that I feel like I caved. I bought a premade doll that you just add stuffing too. I hope I didn't make a big mistake in rewarding her neverending behavior in asking for another doll. Although, frankly, if the doll obsession is satiated, she'll just find something else. I then took them to Applebee's... Jenny and I have been on Weight Watchers for over three weeks now and I'm tired of cooking. They have WW point meals there and though we really shouldn't have spent the money, with Curtis and my mom out of town the last few days, I was just too wrung out to cook another meal. It didn't go well.

As soon as we entered the restaurant, Anna wanted to leave. Her fear of babies (there were none present) led to an initial resistance to sitting down. We ended up getting seated next to a huge party... maybe 20 people and it was loud, though there were no babies. She began putting her hands on her ears and asking to leave. Looking at Jenny, who was so looking forward to eating out and looking to Dominic, who was really excited too, I sighed and went back up to the hostess and asked to be seated elsewhere in the restaurant where it was quieter. With relief, we got a booth that was a lot quieter, but Anna still wasn't happy. After ordering drinks, she began clutching her stomach and crying. I feared that she was going to throw up, wondering what in the world would bring on this sudden onset of pain. Right after our food arrived, I got her up out of the booth debating on whether to take her outside for a walk or to the bathroom. I had to really talk her into going to the bathroom because she has a huge fear of autoflushing toliets (we had quite a scene at the Oasis when my MIL was here because they did have those kind of toliets... you'd thought she'd seen a monster, her fear was heartwrenching). I got her calmed down in the bathroom and we went back to our booth. She didn't want to eat and Jenny had just about finished her meal so she took Anna to the car to wait on me and Dominic. I got our meals in to-go boxes and paid the check. Oh well.

After getting home and already feeling pretty defeated, I put the stuffing in the new doll and Anna became obsessed with showing the doll to the neighborhood kids. It was already time for bath so I said no, we'd do it tomorrow. While getting her medicine ready, she went outside without permission. She ended up in the neighbor's driveway, bouncing her soccer ball against his garage. I warned her, gave her to the count of three, and she laughed at me and refused to come in. So I had to stomp over there and threaten her (I took the new doll away for the day tomorrow) and she threw the ball right in my face. I staggered backward, it was a direct hit and it hurt... a lot. She ran toward the house laughing. And I filled with anger, so much anger. I felt like crumpling to the ground, I felt like running away, I felt like yelling at her and being mean. I just became silent.

I had to man-handle her up the stairs and into her room. She continued laughing and calling me "idiot girl" and "stupid-head" and saying that I would not be her best friend, ever again. I stayed silent. I handed her medicine to her and she batted it away. She began trashing her room. I left the room, quietly, closing the door, holding her medicine, and sitting by the door, and I waited. Ten minutes went by, then she opened the door like nothing was wrong. "Are you mad at me, mommy?" I was still so angry, I stayed silent. I led her to the bathroom, helped her wash her hands and brush her teeth and take her medicine, then I put her pullup and jammies on her and put her to bed. I read one book, then turned off the light. I felt awful. I don't think I've ever skipped her routine before.

As she went to sleep, I feel this poison run through my blood. I don't hate her, but I do hate her behavior. She challenges everything I know about parenting and even parenting special needs. Some days, I feel ill-equipped. Some days, I feel like giving up. But of course, in a couple of hours, she will be up again, and she will need me. And I will be there.


  1. O Holly my heart aches for you! I will keep you in my thoughts.

  2. Holly this brought tears. I am feeling so much of what you are going through right now. Sophie is impossible about 85% of the day right now. She has me so exhausted that 1/2 the time I don't know what to do. I keep feeling like I am failing her somehow because of her behavior. She can have such good moments...but then turn on us. The frustration level is through the roof right now. She BEGS to go bye bye...but then 10 minutes after we are out she is begging to go home. We tried to go to JcPenney on Saturday, and I am not sure what set her off...but she was NOT having it. Then a salesperson stepped in and said something about her crying and why would such a pretty little girl be throwing such a tantru. I almost snapped. Not at Sophie...but the lady.

    And like you...I KNOW Sophie can't help herself. I KNOW she doesn't do this on purpose. AND I keep reminding myself when I feel that I am about to be too harsh with her, that I am her world. I am the one she turns to for everything (not that she doesn't turn to Kenny, but she won't let him do most things for her...has to be me). I am her soft place, her comfort. I love her so much it can be painful.

    You and Anna are such an inspiration for me. I love that you are so honest here...and that you allow me into your life so that I can learn more about parenting Sophie...and most importantly feel not quite so alone while doing so.

  3. Once again I feel we are living parallel lives.

    I love Connor with all of my heart but there are times. He has been having almost daily crying jags. These go on for about 30 minutes. There is no comforting him when this happens. I feel my patience and lack of sympathy start. It just get old very fast.

    Then there is the regression to smearing his bms again. I can't leave him alone in his room. I have to watch him like a 2 year old.

    He challenges me everyday as well. Then he comes to me with his huge smile and wants to be hugged and tickled. Then he will latch on and want to be carried.

    So hang in there my sister. xoxoxoxo


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