... to do anything.
(I've had this window open all day... I keep adding and deleting to this post. Wondering if I should keep it in draft or publish it. It is very personal. But writing and sharing is how I process, so if you do end up reading this, thank you.)
I don't want to make siggies or layouts. I don't want to exercise or eat right. I don't want to tackle my to-do list. I have a mile-long list of appointments to make for Anna, my sink is full of dirty dishes, and I have someone who is waiting on me for a paid request.
I don't know if you saw my Facebook this weekend, but a little boy was killed in our neighborhood this weekend. He was a kindergartner at Dominic's school and the boy's stepsister is in Dominic's class. His little body was dumped a few blocks from our house like a bag of trash and I'm completely tortured by it and can't stop thinking about him. (I may share more about "mind torture"... it is something that I struggle with a lot, especially at night... but that subject can be another post at another time.)
His name was Julian and he was 5 years old, just one week younger than Dominic. The funeral is tomorrow.
Julian was staying with his father's girlfriend, his stepsister (also age 5), and his 7-month old half-brother. The father says he hadn't seen Julian in almost a week. And the mom hadn't seen her son in a month. There isn't an official cause of death yet and the police feel that Julian knew his killer. Right now, they have no named suspects. The dad has a criminal history and he's only 21 years old. When Julian was a baby, CPS was called and they cited neglectful supervision after he was scratched when his mom and dad were arguing.
I keep thinking about this little boy, not seeing his parents before he died. He wasn't at school Thursday or Friday. The father's girlfriend woke up Saturday morning at 5:30, found Julian missing and the front door unlocked. His body was discovered at 10:15 a.m. What happened to him? The police say the girlfriend is not a suspect. CPS took her other children (the stepsister who is in Dominic's class and a baby boy that is the dad's and hers together). What about the stepsister? Her stepbrother dies and she's taken away from her mom? She's not in school, I wonder where she is and how she's doing.
Since Dominic is sick, he slept with me last night. I kept waking up with my heart racing, sitting bolt upright and studying my son. Do you ever notice how small children seem when they sleep? Dominic seemed so tiny and fragile. I kept touching him all night, running my hands over his head, feeling his little bones. I can't imagine someone hurting a child, I can't. My mind is torturing me. I haven't slept well since we heard about Julian.
My heart goes out to his family. I hope none of them are involved in this tragedy. I hope we get answers. As a community, we are a very caring and involved presence in our children's lives. It affects everyone here. I guess I needed to share, maybe it will help my mind to stop this endless circling.